It’s time for your period to check in and you’re feeling just as you would around this time of the month; a mix of surprise and regret about how quickly the month seems to have gone by, a little panic about your sanitary supplies and then some reassurance that you’re no adolescent and have got this covered. 

Just a quick stop by the supermarket and you’ll grab a pack of pads or tampons (just in case you don’t have any more) and you’ll be all set. Besides, and besides, you always have one or two in your handbag that you rarely touch unless it’s an emergency. 

But then your period is late (or did you forget to update your period calendar) and you start to second guess yourself. Are you pregnant? You laugh at the idea but then again it’s not so funny. Didn’t your friend Ciru have a baby the other day, shocking everyone who thought she was ‘done with ‘such things’?

Then, half-wishing away the possibility, you think about what else could be ‘wrong’. Menopause? Of course not. You’re not that old. Someone laughs and you jump and turn around at the audacity that somebody would laugh in your face. You realise that, of course, you didn’t say that out loud … and of course nobody can read your thoughts. It’s just your headphone-clad pre-teen last born son giggling away at the video he is watching. 

Last born. You think hard about that word as you grab your lunch box and head out the door, saying goodbye to nobody as the zombie on the computer is hardly paying attention. 

It would be kind of nice to have someone to cry for you when you leave, you think. But you banish that thought quickly when you think about episiotomies and poop-stained rompers. 

As you go through the day, the menopause possibility starts to grow on you. What would life be like without a period? Would you miss it? Would you be happy without the cramping, bloating and diarrhea? Or would you be miserable as it would only confirm the one thing you have been afraid to accept — that you’re growing older.

So when you just can’t take it any more, you give in to the urge to visit your other best friend, the Internet. 

“Menopause signs,” you type hurriedly. You smile when the search engine makes similar search suggestions. At least you know you’re not alone. 

But the results are horrible. Well, perfect. There are so many results and you’re spoilt for choice on which one to click on first. But the list is too familiar for comfort; irregular periods, mood swings, dryness in your vagina, itching (yes, that itching) and just itching in general. 

And then the ‘horror’ symptoms that you always heard your “old” aunties talk about… night sweats, hot flashes, chills and sleep problems. You remember wondering in your teens how anyone could ever run out of sleep. Now it’s happening – to you. 

You think back to the last couple of months. Yes, the weight gain was there but you had attributed that to ten or so bags of crisps you had hoovered down over the past few months after giving in to those crazy salt cravings you had written off as PMS. 

And you had always been a very angry, crazy and demanding woman — well at least at home where you were allowed to yell the house down when you found discarded (and disgusting) socks and shoes blocking the doorway when you got home. 

So you call your friend, “Have I been crazy and unreasonable in the past few weeks?”

Her answer is a loud obnoxious laugh. She laughs so hard, you have to hold your phone away from your ears. 

Then she stops just long enough to say, “are you Googling menopause again?”